August 31, 2022
Silas’s birth story
Silas's birth story Each one of my pregnancies and births have been very
different and this was no exception. We spent some time in California and
traveled back the end of June. We quickly turned around and spent the weekend at
my in-laws cabin for the 4th of July. I had felt so good throughout pregnancy up
until this point. I could feel something change within my body. My feet were
swollen but I wasn’t sure if that was from driving, or if it was a sign of
preeclampsia. I had preeclampsia with my 2nd and I was very well versed in the
symptoms. I checked my blood pressure and things looked good- so I just chalked
it up to too much summer fun and decided to have a couple of relaxed days. By
the time I met with my doctor he told me I had markers for preeclampsia but I
didn’t have it yet so just watch closely. At my 35 week appointment he was very
concerned about my blood pressure, my swelling and my protein in my urine. But
things were also mild enough that there wasn’t much we could do- and I even
asked if taking it easy would help- and his answer was no. Once you have
preeclampsia nothing helps besides delivering the baby. My doctor- (the one who
has delivered my last 2 babies) was leaving out of the country for his 25th
wedding anniversary and he told me to plan on delivering the baby at 37 weeks
when he got back. He gave me the guidelines to follow and told me to call if my
blood pressure got too high or if I started feeling pain in my liver or severe
blurred vision. Things remained pretty uneventful for the first couple days
after he left on his trip but he wanted me seen by another doctor at his office
while he was gone just to be safe. The couple days before that appointment my
blood pressure started to climb, and climb. I called labor and delivery the
night before my appointment and they didn’t think it was bad enough to go in- so
I stayed home and waited for my appointment with this other doctor the next
afternoon. My appointment was at 4 in the afternoon- I left the kids with Reese
and headed to my appointment. I was planning on running a few errands, some
Chick-fil-A of course, and a Walmart grocery order on my way home. I planned on
it being pretty uneventful. My appointment started pretty normal, until they
took my blood pressure. It had climbed even higher since I took it in the
morning. And they could only run half of the labs they needed to on my urine
since the lab was closed for the day. But the labs they could run were not
looking promising. I definitely threw the new doctor for a loop that day- “hi
nice to meet you- I am a high maintenance patient that was left in your care for
10 days” While I was there be decided to check and see if I was dilated which
since I was almost 4 weeks early- of course I wasn’t. But also he said he
couldn’t tell if he was breech or not so he sent me for an ultrasound. I was
100% confident that he wasn’t breech since I had been told at a previous
appointment that he was head down. But the ultrasound shattered that ideal
because he was breech. At this point I have all the strikes against me. Doctor
gone- strike. High blood pressure- strike. Protein in urine- strike. Breech
baby- strike. Blurred vision and severe headache- strike. I hear the doctor in
the hall calling labor and delivery because he wants to send me there to be
monitored and take some more blood and urine tests. At this point I shoot a text
to my husband trying to explain what’s going on because I know I can’t call him
without completely losing it. I am now wishing he was here, and trying to figure
out how to get help with the kids so he can meet me at the hospital. I am just
alone, I felt so alone. Especially since I am in the hands of a doctor I just
met that day. He came back in the room and told me labor and delivery was
expecting me. I’m going to be honest- I didn’t head straight for labor and
delivery. I drove for a minute and called my husband and I surprisingly filled
him in on what was going on without completely losing it. Then I called my
mother in law and asked her to pick up my Walmart grocery order and go take over
my kids so Reese could come be with me. I hadn’t eaten yet and I was starving-
and also procrastinating checking myself into the hospital. So I went and got
myself chick-fil-a. I sat and ate it in the hospital parking garage and tried to
collect myself before walking in. It felt weird I was there and ever weirder
that I was alone. It was shift change when I got there so I kind of just hung
out by myself in my room. Then the kindest nurse walked in named Shani. I don’t
want to forget her because she was a nurse that made a huge difference in that
day. I explained to her my situation and that I had barely met Dr Robison and
didn’t know how to feel about him. She knows him from working with him for many
years and helped me understand him as a person and as a doctor. And she also
helped me as him questions that I probably wouldn’t have asked because I was in
pure shock, and without my husband. I was counting down the seconds till he
could join me and help me make decisions. When Reese got to the hospital the
doctor came in and filled him in. Which is good because my head was spinning
from all the information flying at me, and I was honestly having an out of body
experience. I most definitely was in shock. My protein in my urine had gone so
high that he has only seen one other person higher than me in his career. They
had jumped just in a few hours since I was in the doctors office. We were told
it was time for the baby to come. Between my blood pressure, my protein, and my
headaches- he was worried about my safety and my baby’s safety. So we knew it
was time for delivery but we had another choice to make- did we want to try to
flip the baby and induce or did we want to just do a c- section. Trying to flip
a breech baby only has about a 50% success rate as is, and I had other
complications added in. I have had a previous c section and I also have a funny
uterus. It’s heart shaped with a lining down the middle . So I have a definite
left and right side of the uterus- maybe two cervixes too- but that’s a story
for a different day. Silas was the first baby to grow in my right side (the
smaller side) So my chances of him being successful in flipping the baby was
slim to none. But I still wanted to try- I had a vision of how this delivery was
supposed to go, he was my last baby, I’ve had 2 successful VBACs- I was
determined to have another one. I didn’t want to a c-section. There was no way I
could take care of 4 kids and recover from a major surgery. This wasn’t the
plan. I told my husband I wanted to flip him. And my dear husband could see
things more clearly- but he said ultimately it was my choice. I asked him for a
Priesthood blessing. As soon as he laid his hands upon my head and started the
blessing- I knew. I knew the answer. I knew I was going to have a c section. And
I felt such a peace wash over me. After he was done- we both looked at each
other and we didn’t even need to talk to know what conclusion we had both come
to. The doctor came back in and we told him we had chosen a c section. Even
though I felt peace with our choice, I still feel like I was in shock. I felt
like I was standing outside my body watching all of this happen- and that I
would just wake up from this nightmare soon. As soon as we told him we were
doing a C-section - everything moved so quickly. I was in the OR before I knew
it getting my spinal block. It’s so weird to be awake while you are having a
major surgery. At one point I looked up at the shiny silver light and I could
see the reflection of my open abdomen being operated on. After that lovely
traumatic view- I closed my eyes. But I could still hear everything that was
happening. It freaked me out more than I remember it freaking me out when I had
my previous C-section almost 9 years ago. Then it was time for them to pull the
baby out- they lowered the sheet so I could see him being pulled out. If I am
being completely honest I still felt very disconnected from everything going on.
They pulled him out and I remember thinking “he is tiny, and why isn’t he
crying?” When I heard his tiny cry I felt a wave of relief come over me. They
told my husband to follow the baby while they put me back together. Which
honestly I didn’t see coming and I was left alone while they put me back
together. My support had left to support the baby. I know he was torn but I am
glad he went with the baby. The nurse came back out and announced to the room “3
lbs 12 oz” And that’s when I lost it. I started to bawl, I felt like such a
failure in that moment. My body had let us down. I not only had to have a
C-section but somehow my baby was so tiny. Tinier than he should be at this
point. As I was crying- I was telling them to put the baby back, that he needs
to keep growing. The kind anesthesiologist put his hand on my shoulder and asked
if I was okay. He stepped in since Reese was gone and tried to calm me down. He
made such a difference In that moment Reese was able to rejoin me for the tail
end of my C-section and fill me in on how the baby was and show me pictures. He
told me that he was going to have to spend a little time in the nicu, that he
needed oxygen and a feeding tube. Surprisingly I was calm about it all, I knew
he was getting the help he needed. But also I think I was so calm because of how
disconnected I felt. I was in denial that there was a baby that was mine, it all
felt too quick. He was supposed to bake longer. I wasn’t ready. This wasn’t the
plan. I didn’t get to meet the baby until the next morning. Daddy got to spend
some time with him, but I still wasn’t doing very good to he was back and forth
from the nicu and my room. When morning came and my spinal block wore off- I
begged the nurse to let me go meet him. She was hesitant but I insisted. Reese
helped me into a wheelchair and off we went. I was able to meet our baby boy for
the first time. I wish I could say I remember it vividly- but the magnesium they
put me on for my blood pressure, and that stuff makes you feel so terrible. It
gives you a migraine, makes you feel like you are drugged out of your mind,
makes you sick to your stomach, and dizzy. But we chose a name since I finally
got to meet him. We went in with 2 choices. One my husband was set on, and one I
was set on. I was confident that we would chose my name. But we both felt he
looked like a Silas (my husband’s choice) So Silas it was. I still had a hard
time believing this tiny human was mine- he felt like such a stranger, and
having to leave him in the nicu and go back to my room because I kept passing
out, was the hardest thing to do. I just wanted to get to know my baby, to touch
him, hold him, kiss him. But that wasn’t in the cards for us for the first
couple of days when I was too sick to keep going to the NICU. I was able to
visit a few times over the first couple days, but not too long and I wanted to
make sure I was supervised since I wasn’t feeling myself and I was also so
intimidated by all the cords and tubes coming from him. By Sunday I had turned a
new corner, my blood pressure was down, and they were also releasing me from the
hospital. But they weren’t releasing Silas. Since it was slow in labor and
delivery I was able to stay in my room and just pay $30 a day. Not as a patient-
I was on my own, no nurses. But I was able to remain close, across the hall from
the NICU to be exact. And since I was feeling better, I was able to go in for
every feeding every 3 hours and spend time with Silas. Reese went home on Sunday
to relieve him mom and take over the other 3 kids while I stayed with Silas to
help him and also to work on healing more before I came home. Car seats only go
as low as 4 lbs so it looked like we were going to have to wait until he was 4
lbs to bring him home, but on Sunday the NICU doctor gave us a link for a car
seat rated for 3 lbs and up. We ordered the carseat and waited for it’s arrival.
In the mean time- I stayed at the hospital and went every 3 hours to the nicu. I
would go to the nicu, feed Silas, snuggle for a bit, go back to my room pump and
eat and maybe sleep and repeat. I knew I couldn’t skip any feedings because
depending on the nurse- they get impatient and feed him through his feeding tube
instead of his bottle and in order to get his feeding tube out- he needed to be
eating 80% out of a bottle. Once I had taken over all his feedings- he was off
the feeding tube the next day. Which was a huge milestone! The next step was
getting the carseat which Amazon said would be delivered Wednesday. I told Reese
that as soon as it was delivered he was to stop whatever he was doing and bring
it up to the hospital. And on Wednesday he did just that. As soon as it came he
hopped in the car to bring it to us. Silas needed to pass a 90 minute car seat
test and if he did, after a long week in the nicu, we were able to go home! That
was the longest 90 minutes of my life! It was such a happy day to bring him home
and introduce him to our other kids since they couldn’t meet him in the NICU. I
was so excited to come home, but I had made some dear friends in the NICU that I
will probably never see again. Some of those nurses were angels and I really
grew close to some. The hospital was my home for a week, as hard as it was to be
away from my other kids- I was grateful that Reese and I could tag team things.
We make a pretty great team. I was also able to heal for a week before coming
home to real life, which I was grateful for that time. It felt so so good to
have my family back together again. Hawker- party of 6 🎉
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