Silas’s birth story

Silas's birth story Each one of my pregnancies and births have been very different and this was no exception. We spent some time in California and traveled back the end of June. We quickly turned around and spent the weekend at my in-laws cabin for the 4th of July. I had felt so good throughout pregnancy up until this point. I could feel something change within my body. My feet were swollen but I wasn’t sure if that was from driving, or if it was a sign of preeclampsia. I had preeclampsia with my 2nd and I was very well versed in the symptoms. I checked my blood pressure and things looked good- so I just chalked it up to too much summer fun and decided to have a couple of relaxed days. By the time I met with my doctor he told me I had markers for preeclampsia but I didn’t have it yet so just watch closely. At my 35 week appointment he was very concerned about my blood pressure, my swelling and my protein in my urine. But things were also mild enough that there wasn’t much we could do- and I even asked if taking it easy would help- and his answer was no. Once you have preeclampsia nothing helps besides delivering the baby. My doctor- (the one who has delivered my last 2 babies) was leaving out of the country for his 25th wedding anniversary and he told me to plan on delivering the baby at 37 weeks when he got back. He gave me the guidelines to follow and told me to call if my blood pressure got too high or if I started feeling pain in my liver or severe blurred vision. Things remained pretty uneventful for the first couple days after he left on his trip but he wanted me seen by another doctor at his office while he was gone just to be safe. The couple days before that appointment my blood pressure started to climb, and climb. I called labor and delivery the night before my appointment and they didn’t think it was bad enough to go in- so I stayed home and waited for my appointment with this other doctor the next afternoon. My appointment was at 4 in the afternoon- I left the kids with Reese and headed to my appointment. I was planning on running a few errands, some Chick-fil-A of course, and a Walmart grocery order on my way home. I planned on it being pretty uneventful. My appointment started pretty normal, until they took my blood pressure. It had climbed even higher since I took it in the morning. And they could only run half of the labs they needed to on my urine since the lab was closed for the day. But the labs they could run were not looking promising. I definitely threw the new doctor for a loop that day- “hi nice to meet you- I am a high maintenance patient that was left in your care for 10 days” While I was there be decided to check and see if I was dilated which since I was almost 4 weeks early- of course I wasn’t. But also he said he couldn’t tell if he was breech or not so he sent me for an ultrasound. I was 100% confident that he wasn’t breech since I had been told at a previous appointment that he was head down. But the ultrasound shattered that ideal because he was breech. At this point I have all the strikes against me. Doctor gone- strike. High blood pressure- strike. Protein in urine- strike. Breech baby- strike. Blurred vision and severe headache- strike. I hear the doctor in the hall calling labor and delivery because he wants to send me there to be monitored and take some more blood and urine tests. At this point I shoot a text to my husband trying to explain what’s going on because I know I can’t call him without completely losing it. I am now wishing he was here, and trying to figure out how to get help with the kids so he can meet me at the hospital. I am just alone, I felt so alone. Especially since I am in the hands of a doctor I just met that day. He came back in the room and told me labor and delivery was expecting me. I’m going to be honest- I didn’t head straight for labor and delivery. I drove for a minute and called my husband and I surprisingly filled him in on what was going on without completely losing it. Then I called my mother in law and asked her to pick up my Walmart grocery order and go take over my kids so Reese could come be with me. I hadn’t eaten yet and I was starving- and also procrastinating checking myself into the hospital. So I went and got myself chick-fil-a. I sat and ate it in the hospital parking garage and tried to collect myself before walking in. It felt weird I was there and ever weirder that I was alone. It was shift change when I got there so I kind of just hung out by myself in my room. Then the kindest nurse walked in named Shani. I don’t want to forget her because she was a nurse that made a huge difference in that day. I explained to her my situation and that I had barely met Dr Robison and didn’t know how to feel about him. She knows him from working with him for many years and helped me understand him as a person and as a doctor. And she also helped me as him questions that I probably wouldn’t have asked because I was in pure shock, and without my husband. I was counting down the seconds till he could join me and help me make decisions. When Reese got to the hospital the doctor came in and filled him in. Which is good because my head was spinning from all the information flying at me, and I was honestly having an out of body experience. I most definitely was in shock. My protein in my urine had gone so high that he has only seen one other person higher than me in his career. They had jumped just in a few hours since I was in the doctors office. We were told it was time for the baby to come. Between my blood pressure, my protein, and my headaches- he was worried about my safety and my baby’s safety. So we knew it was time for delivery but we had another choice to make- did we want to try to flip the baby and induce or did we want to just do a c- section. Trying to flip a breech baby only has about a 50% success rate as is, and I had other complications added in. I have had a previous c section and I also have a funny uterus. It’s heart shaped with a lining down the middle . So I have a definite left and right side of the uterus- maybe two cervixes too- but that’s a story for a different day. Silas was the first baby to grow in my right side (the smaller side) So my chances of him being successful in flipping the baby was slim to none. But I still wanted to try- I had a vision of how this delivery was supposed to go, he was my last baby, I’ve had 2 successful VBACs- I was determined to have another one. I didn’t want to a c-section. There was no way I could take care of 4 kids and recover from a major surgery. This wasn’t the plan. I told my husband I wanted to flip him. And my dear husband could see things more clearly- but he said ultimately it was my choice. I asked him for a Priesthood blessing. As soon as he laid his hands upon my head and started the blessing- I knew. I knew the answer. I knew I was going to have a c section. And I felt such a peace wash over me. After he was done- we both looked at each other and we didn’t even need to talk to know what conclusion we had both come to. The doctor came back in and we told him we had chosen a c section. Even though I felt peace with our choice, I still feel like I was in shock. I felt like I was standing outside my body watching all of this happen- and that I would just wake up from this nightmare soon. As soon as we told him we were doing a C-section - everything moved so quickly. I was in the OR before I knew it getting my spinal block. It’s so weird to be awake while you are having a major surgery. At one point I looked up at the shiny silver light and I could see the reflection of my open abdomen being operated on. After that lovely traumatic view- I closed my eyes. But I could still hear everything that was happening. It freaked me out more than I remember it freaking me out when I had my previous C-section almost 9 years ago. Then it was time for them to pull the baby out- they lowered the sheet so I could see him being pulled out. If I am being completely honest I still felt very disconnected from everything going on. They pulled him out and I remember thinking “he is tiny, and why isn’t he crying?” When I heard his tiny cry I felt a wave of relief come over me. They told my husband to follow the baby while they put me back together. Which honestly I didn’t see coming and I was left alone while they put me back together. My support had left to support the baby. I know he was torn but I am glad he went with the baby. The nurse came back out and announced to the room “3 lbs 12 oz” And that’s when I lost it. I started to bawl, I felt like such a failure in that moment. My body had let us down. I not only had to have a C-section but somehow my baby was so tiny. Tinier than he should be at this point. As I was crying- I was telling them to put the baby back, that he needs to keep growing. The kind anesthesiologist put his hand on my shoulder and asked if I was okay. He stepped in since Reese was gone and tried to calm me down. He made such a difference In that moment Reese was able to rejoin me for the tail end of my C-section and fill me in on how the baby was and show me pictures. He told me that he was going to have to spend a little time in the nicu, that he needed oxygen and a feeding tube. Surprisingly I was calm about it all, I knew he was getting the help he needed. But also I think I was so calm because of how disconnected I felt. I was in denial that there was a baby that was mine, it all felt too quick. He was supposed to bake longer. I wasn’t ready. This wasn’t the plan. I didn’t get to meet the baby until the next morning. Daddy got to spend some time with him, but I still wasn’t doing very good to he was back and forth from the nicu and my room. When morning came and my spinal block wore off- I begged the nurse to let me go meet him. She was hesitant but I insisted. Reese helped me into a wheelchair and off we went. I was able to meet our baby boy for the first time. I wish I could say I remember it vividly- but the magnesium they put me on for my blood pressure, and that stuff makes you feel so terrible. It gives you a migraine, makes you feel like you are drugged out of your mind, makes you sick to your stomach, and dizzy. But we chose a name since I finally got to meet him. We went in with 2 choices. One my husband was set on, and one I was set on. I was confident that we would chose my name. But we both felt he looked like a Silas (my husband’s choice) So Silas it was. I still had a hard time believing this tiny human was mine- he felt like such a stranger, and having to leave him in the nicu and go back to my room because I kept passing out, was the hardest thing to do. I just wanted to get to know my baby, to touch him, hold him, kiss him. But that wasn’t in the cards for us for the first couple of days when I was too sick to keep going to the NICU. I was able to visit a few times over the first couple days, but not too long and I wanted to make sure I was supervised since I wasn’t feeling myself and I was also so intimidated by all the cords and tubes coming from him. By Sunday I had turned a new corner, my blood pressure was down, and they were also releasing me from the hospital. But they weren’t releasing Silas. Since it was slow in labor and delivery I was able to stay in my room and just pay $30 a day. Not as a patient- I was on my own, no nurses. But I was able to remain close, across the hall from the NICU to be exact. And since I was feeling better, I was able to go in for every feeding every 3 hours and spend time with Silas. Reese went home on Sunday to relieve him mom and take over the other 3 kids while I stayed with Silas to help him and also to work on healing more before I came home. Car seats only go as low as 4 lbs so it looked like we were going to have to wait until he was 4 lbs to bring him home, but on Sunday the NICU doctor gave us a link for a car seat rated for 3 lbs and up. We ordered the carseat and waited for it’s arrival. In the mean time- I stayed at the hospital and went every 3 hours to the nicu. I would go to the nicu, feed Silas, snuggle for a bit, go back to my room pump and eat and maybe sleep and repeat. I knew I couldn’t skip any feedings because depending on the nurse- they get impatient and feed him through his feeding tube instead of his bottle and in order to get his feeding tube out- he needed to be eating 80% out of a bottle. Once I had taken over all his feedings- he was off the feeding tube the next day. Which was a huge milestone! The next step was getting the carseat which Amazon said would be delivered Wednesday. I told Reese that as soon as it was delivered he was to stop whatever he was doing and bring it up to the hospital. And on Wednesday he did just that. As soon as it came he hopped in the car to bring it to us. Silas needed to pass a 90 minute car seat test and if he did, after a long week in the nicu, we were able to go home! That was the longest 90 minutes of my life! It was such a happy day to bring him home and introduce him to our other kids since they couldn’t meet him in the NICU. I was so excited to come home, but I had made some dear friends in the NICU that I will probably never see again. Some of those nurses were angels and I really grew close to some. The hospital was my home for a week, as hard as it was to be away from my other kids- I was grateful that Reese and I could tag team things. We make a pretty great team. I was also able to heal for a week before coming home to real life, which I was grateful for that time. It felt so so good to have my family back together again. Hawker- party of 6 🎉