Holidays make me uneasy. Everyone of them, from Christmas to Halloween, from Thanksgiving to Easter. All I want to do is curl up in a ball, cry for how things used to be. I put on my best face, which midday turns into me putting a grumpy face on as the pain eats away at me, and eventually picking a fight with Reese - because I need to get my anger out somehow, and he is there. It isn't right, and it isn't fair- but life isn't fair. So he endures me through my bad days, and he always knows why I am in a bad mood without a word about it spoken. He is my rock.
For the last year, I have been mourning a death.
Not a death that is listed under the obituaries in the paper. No one sent flowers, no one brought food.
When I got married, I quickly realized how important family was. My friendships dwindled away, but my family was always there for me. There was no other place I would rather spend a Friday night than with my family playing games, and watching the grandkids play in the backyard. Family has always been important in my life.
It was a normal weekend, I spent the Saturday at the fair with my family, and on Sunday we were all going to get together since my sister was in town.
That is the day, the day that will forever be stamped on my forehead as an ugly reminder of the events that took place.
It was the worst day of my life.
As dramatic as that sounds, it is true.
I remember the day almost down to every last word that was spoken, and ever action that was made. I replay the day over and over in my head. It still feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from.
This is harder to write about than I imagined. I have had this page open for hours this past week, and it is hard to share something so person, so raw, so emotional with the world. It also involves other people, other people that I love and care for. But this isn't about them, it is about me, about me being real with those in my life. It is part of my healing process.
That day, as we (my sister, brother, and me) sat on my parents bed, awaiting them to tell us bad news, we could all feel it. Was someone dying? Did someone lose a job?
No.
My mom had made a choice that week, a choice that had the effects of a nuclear bomb.
She was leaving my dad.
I was so confused. Months earlier, I had caught them kissing like teenagers on the 4th of July. We were a family, you can't just give up on family.
I wanted an explanation. But the only thing I got was excuses.
I remember not wanting to leave their bedroom, I knew once I did- it was true. I knew once I left I had to tell Reese that my parents were getting a divorce. And that would make it real. If I stayed I the room, it couldn't be true, right? The logic makes no sense, but nothing that day made sense.
Eventually I did leave. I said goodbye to my siblings as they loaded their families in the car, and as much as I wanted to get out of there- I didn't want my happy family gone.
I was a walking mess the next few weeks. I did the bare minimum, which was take care of Ruby. Those weeks, I don't remember very well. I quit facebook, and hid in my house. I remember Reese coming home one night, and Ruby was in an unbuttoned onsie, covered in food, with a messy face while I was sitting on the cluttered living room floor. He picked her up and went and changed and cleaned her up, cleaned the house and then came and took care of me. Later that night I started laughing- and when laughing I said " Today sucked" And he started laughing too, he said he knew better than to say anything about the house, and about Ruby. He took care of me, and lets face it, I needed it.
I only told a few people about the divorce. And by a few people, I mean by best friend and my in-laws.
I hated telling people, no one knew how I felt. Marriages end all the time. But 36 years of marriage just doesn't end. Marriage is very sacred to me, it isn't something to just give up on. No one knows what family means to me. No one understood, no one said the right things, so I didn't tell people.
I have never posted it on Facebook, and when people I run into say "How's your mom and dad?" I just say fine- to avoid talking about it.
And when I do talk about it, I make uncomfortable jokes, and try to rush the subject along.
All I wanted was an explanation. A reason. But when I got one- I didn't like it. My mom had left my dad for another man.
It has been a year.
I thought it would be easier by now. And in some ways it is, and in someways it isn't.
Relationships are left broken, and things will never be the same. I will never have the happy family I once did outside of my home.
I don't know how this post will go over in the end but I am sick of hiding my feelings to spare feelings of others. I am sick of hiding behind a mask with a smile while I am really crumbling on the inside.
My childhood home now belongs to someone else, my relationship with my mom is rocky, my dad lives in an apartment, we don't get together like we used to as a family, Holidays suck, and I am left broken and angry.
Satan is powerful. He is out to attack the family unit. He wants to destroy marriages, and relationships between family remembers. And in my families case- he won. He found a weak spot and took advantage.
I have heard everything happens for a reason, but this happened because of bad choices. But I know that my Heavenly Father will help me grow and learn from this- it is just hard to see sometimes through the fog.
So there it is, my secret is out. I feel like I am airing my dirty laundry, but at the same time I feel free. It is has been a year, and it is my time to heal. To heal, to forget and forgive and move on. I need to do it for myself, and for my family.
Behind all of those sweet pictures of my little girl on Facebook, behind those pictures of our house remodel, or funny pictures is a broken girl. I would like to pretend I am strong, but sometimes life gets the best of me and now I hope I can share with you all my sucky days, without the fake smiles or the uncomfortable jokes- just me, being real.
**Other stories will be posted this week from some other wonderful ladies who are helping me out- so keep checking back**
